Prophet Without Honor: Holiday Readings from the Trump Bible

For God so loved the world He gave his only Don.

I haven’t written about Donald Trump for a while. The escapades of the once (and future?) president are designed to attract attention, and why give him what he wants? Yes, it’s important to talk about the implications of a second Trump term. But hating him ad nauseam feels like a distraction, an easy way out. It makes us feel good about ourselves without forcing us to examine our complicity in the sick system that spawned him.

Besides, I find his antics tiresome.

But, come on: a Trump Bible? That kind of material is catnip to writers. The Holy Book, rewritten in the spirit of our former president?

Sure, it’s shameful to take something considered holy and turn it into a grift, but that’s all the more reason to mock it. This Sunday, let us consider the chapter and verse such a book might contain:

“For God so loved the world He gave his only begotten Don.”

“Appoint judges, lest ye be judged.”

“Blessed are the piece workers, for they receive less than minimum wage and you don’t have to pay them benefits.”

“Go ye therefore, and cheat all nations, in the name of the Fraudster, the Con, and the Hollow Grift.”

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I could do it in Times Square in broad daylight.”

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. It’s easy, they let you do it.”

Write some Trump Bible quotes of your own; it’s not hard.

But a clarification is in order: although it has come to be known as “the Trump Bible,” its official name is the “God Bless the USA Bible.” It’s marketed and sold by country singer Lee Greenwood, who has a marketing deal with Trump. Greenwood is the man responsible for the execrable song from which this Bible took its name.

Now, when I say ‘execrable,’ I should explain: I rarely criticize any music or musician in public. It’s hard enough to write, record, and perform a song without taking potshots from everybody in the peanut gallery. And every record, no matter how unbearable, has people who love and treasure it. (I’m looking at you, “Seasons in the Sun”!) I figure, why rain on their parade?

I’m making an exception in this case, purely in the interest of public safety.

 “God Bless the USA” ... if you are one of the rare individuals in this country who hasn’t listened to it, a recommendation: don’t. You will never get those three minutes and ten seconds back, and the sound of what seems to be a kettle drum after he sings “stand up!” will dog you for the rest of your life. You’ll feel like someone made a tincture of cotton candy and firecracker ashes and injected it into your jugular vein.

I don’t know if you believe in an afterlife, but I believe this song will be played on constant repeat there. And not in the place where the angels are, if you catch my drift.

God bless the righteous land where someone like Mr. Greenwood can make money by private-labeling Scripture. But he’s not promiscuous about it, as the sales website explains: “The God Bless The USA Bible is the ONLY Bible inspired by America’s most recognized patriotic anthem, God Bless The USA.”

The site also answers the questions you wanted asked, such as:

IS THIS BIBLE OFFICIALLY ENDORSED BY LEE GREENWOOD?

Yes, this is the only Bible endorsed by Lee Greenwood!

A similar clarification is offered for Mr. Trump.

Did you want to know if other translations were available? They’ve got an answer: this Bible is only available in the King James Version. In your face, Revised Standard Edition! (Much as I’m loathe to agree with Mr. Greenwood on anything, I prefer the King James Version, too.)

The website also answers a few other questions, like, “WHAT IF MY BIBLE HAS STICKY PAGES?” (You don’t need to know.)

The demanding Mr. Greenwood apparently didn’t feel that the Lord’s words provided enough product, so the Bible he and Trump are hawking also includes – and here I quote from the website –

•      Handwritten chorus to “God Bless The USA” by Lee Greenwood
•      United States Constitution
•      Declaration of Independence
•      Bill of Rights
•      The Pledge of Allegiance

Of course it does! Because a work whose beauty and profundity laid the foundation for all of Western literature can only be enhanced by the words, “I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free ...” (A Canadian version of the song is also available, in which Mr. Greenwood sings, “I’m proud to be in Canada, where at least I know I’m free.” That seems kind of unfaithful but, hey, it’s almost America up there, right?)

Greenwood seems to view this as a mutual marketing deal between two equals: him and God. He sells God’s “content” while pushing his song. And he’s not too modest to admit that the Almighty might get a little sales boost, too, from such a widely known and beloved recording. You scratch my back, Lord, I’ll scratch yours.

Best of all, it’s only $59.99 plus shipping! Sure, you could get a Bible for free by stealing one from a hotel room (although you’d be breaking one of its commandments to do it). And the pages wouldn’t be sticky. But wouldn’t you rather fork over some of your hard-earned scratch to enrich some faux-country version of the Music Man and the guy who made America great again?

Here’s the best part, at least for Greenwood and Trump. They’re selling a book whose entire content — from the Bible to the nation’s founding documents — is completely royalty-free. I can see why they partnered up; Trump appreciates someone who’s got a nose for a deal.

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Trump says he owns “many” Bibles, but he doesn’t say which versions. Greenwood, we are to presume, is religiously as well as patriotically faithful (if we overlook the whole Canada thing). One therefore presumes they’ll eventually get around to reading lines like these in their ‘product’:

“Indeed the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, cry out; and the cries of the reapers have reached the ears of the Lord …”

“He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings, perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds … “

“... every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit ... by their fruits ye shall know them.”

“Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like … they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.”

Happy reading, fellas!